A fall pear in a basket at the market lay colored with red covering its green. I always loved those red pears, my favorite in the fall and so I splurged paying the higher price for a taste. I picked it up this morning from a basket of fruit siting on my table, I thought it a good choice for breakfast on this chilly rainy October morning. I held it delicately in my hand then put it to my lips taking a healthy bite, and the taste of it was a taste that immediately reminded me of Autumn. So Sweet, it tasted like October, it tasted like November, like Halloween and Thanksgiving. It tasted of all my memories from the past 20 years.
Amazed by the trip this simple fruit was taking me on, I quickly took another bite, that I might be back there again, and in an instant I saw it, laying before me, the greatest saudade of all my life:
I remembered Halloween,
with my three little ones in 1993,
dressing them up in their costumes,
they were so full of excitement,
to trick or treat.
I always dressed up with them,
we had such a grand time,
and fall, Autumn, it did become,
one of our happiest times.
Each year as they grew up,
we would plan what costumes to wear,
and when they came home from school most days,
I had baked fresh cookies for us to share.
We would decorate the house with tons of little things,
and sitting around the supper table,
hearing their stores of the day,
was my favorite thing.
Homecoming mums I made for them,
and their friends, they said like a pro,
and I always smiled hearing them tell all,
"my moms the best you know".
Football games we always went,
there were a special two,
at homecoming and north vs. south games,
my kids were engraved,
with the fall spirit I had to them issued.
Friends they always invited to come over,
or even spend the night,
as they always said they had the coolest home,
and mom of all time.
Even most of those friends, to this day, still call me mom,
They have too built these memories,
that I have to lean upon.
And that brings to mind,
when each year we went,
to the Texas state fair,
it was always our tradition,
to eat and play all day being spent.
The flood of all these memories,
along with so many and more,
came with the bite of a simple fall pear,
and a feeling all is gone heretofore.
My son was my best Friend,
he was always by my side,
he was my biggest fan,
he made life fun, loving me with nothing to hide.
Though fall was always the favorite,
for all my kids just like me,
Bryan was a little different,
he was like my twin, and extension of me.
When they all had grown up,
moving on their separate ways,
it was Bryan who remembered to come home,
for cookies and a football game.
He loved my school jacket,
having all that pride in his way,
and he would always ask to wear it,
during Autumn time days.
This is only a touch,
of all the memories that lay in my heart,
and today, with each bite of this pear,
I cry so very hard.
Everything, it has changed,
and I feel sometimes completely lost,
my Bryan is here no more,
those times are gone like dying fall moss.
Its always been just me and my kids,
we were a family, no matter what,
and though I was a single parent,
they were never without a home or unloved.
But it was Bryan as they grew older,
that kept the family from moving too far apart,
and now that he is gone,
I have to fight that feeling, that all is lost.
He was always right here by my side,
even until the very end,
and I feel so alone since he has gone,
dear God I wish I could have him back,
even for a minute once again.
I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water,
to not let my precious son down,
to keep the family going,
to make him proud of his mom.
So with each bite of this pear,
that I ate harder,
gobbling I did pray,
that it would take me back to when my little family was alive,
back to yesterday.
My saudade since the day I buried him,
has hit me everyday, but today,
with the taste of this pear,
the taste of Autumn,
it has become ever more great.
The commercials say life is a game, so play it, live it,
and I say this is wrong,
For life is not a game, it is a precious gift,
and sometimes,
oh how I wish,
I didn't have move on......
From the soul of a mother
Author Notes
The glass is half empty and half full.....
***Saudade is a word for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.
Saudade has been described as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future".[1] A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing. It may also be tranlated as a deep longing or yearning for something which does not exist or is unattainable.
Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" or "the love that stays" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like something or someone that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. In Portuguese, 'Tenho Saudades Tuas', translated as 'I have Saudades of you' means 'I miss you'.
© Dawn Michelle. All rights reserved, Oct 2009
